Losing …

6 month ago I finished writing my first book and I sent it to about 10 publishing houses and because the book was in English and I am in case you didn’t know an Egyptian wasn’t Super easy to publish. Few publishing houses here publish in English and one of them accepted my book but they asked for a lot go money and I knew they were literally stealing money from me so, I didn’t agree. And my book remained unpublished … And that really frustrated me and I ended up not writing any thing for 5 whole month. I won’t say i gave up on being A published writer or that I let that define me ….. But for me it was the first time I ever wanted something and I didn’t get. So, it felt like it was a slap in the face and I wasn’t in the mood for writing anything. So, I stopped. Then,  4 month later I started my senior year which here all what universities look at is your senior grades and senior year is the most difficult year in school and for someone like me who is not school smart .. Who doesn’t like studying at all and an average student but who’s dream is to become a physiotherapist and I need a 94% at least for that .. That was another slap on the face. And you know what it’s hard and I am so scared … Because it’s my dream that’s on the line here and I am clueless.I have no idea what to do and I spent the first 3 month of my senior year just complaining and studying nothing … For the first time in my life I’ve experienced what is it like to be truly scared …. I’ve tried so hard to figure out how I am gonna get that 94% but I can’t figure how ….. I’ve been working harder lately but the thing is what I am asked to do for me maybe the hardest thing ever … If you ask me to work 10 hours a day without being payed it’s better than this. I am not a lazy person actually the opposites but not when it comes to school work  … And whenever I feel like I am little close … I feel like I went back to point zero and today is one of those day …. And I feel like I became a person I can’t recognize anymore … I’ve worked so hard to find myself but now i feel like I am losing it again and I seem to have forgotten everything I believed in …. I can’t even remember who I was 7 month ago … 7 month ago I was a writer, i had a blog , I loved reading, I was a super motivated and inspired person . Just today I went through my old posts and I am shocked of how these 7 month changed me .. I am like yeah I used to believe in that, yeah I used to love that and ooh I remember when I felt that …. Now I feel like this weird person whom I can’t seem to figure out who she is or what she wants. I feel like I let my own demons control me .. That’s how I truly feel

But you know what I am gonna try to remember who I used to me and I will fight my own demons and I will make my dreams come true because I know if I didn’t one day I will regret this so much … So if it’s a war my demons want then it’s a war they will get

God! Just being here for only couple of house already makes me more inspired and I am terribly sorry for not replying to any comments and I would really appreciatany advice right now cause I really need some guidance and thank you so much for reading and I know this isn’t Really good poet at all .. But it’s such a real one. So, I want to share it.

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