Losing …

6 month ago I finished writing my first book and I sent it to about 10 publishing houses and because the book was in English and I am in case you didn’t know an Egyptian wasn’t Super easy to publish. Few publishing houses here publish in English and one of them accepted my book but they asked for a lot go money and I knew they were literally stealing money from me so, I didn’t agree. And my book remained unpublished … And that really frustrated me and I ended up not writing any thing for 5 whole month. I won’t say i gave up on being A published writer or that I let that define me ….. But for me it was the first time I ever wanted something and I didn’t get. So, it felt like it was a slap in the face and I wasn’t in the mood for writing anything. So, I stopped. Then,  4 month later I started my senior year which here all what universities look at is your senior grades and senior year is the most difficult year in school and for someone like me who is not school smart .. Who doesn’t like studying at all and an average student but who’s dream is to become a physiotherapist and I need a 94% at least for that .. That was another slap on the face. And you know what it’s hard and I am so scared … Because it’s my dream that’s on the line here and I am clueless.I have no idea what to do and I spent the first 3 month of my senior year just complaining and studying nothing … For the first time in my life I’ve experienced what is it like to be truly scared …. I’ve tried so hard to figure out how I am gonna get that 94% but I can’t figure how ….. I’ve been working harder lately but the thing is what I am asked to do for me maybe the hardest thing ever … If you ask me to work 10 hours a day without being payed it’s better than this. I am not a lazy person actually the opposites but not when it comes to school work  … And whenever I feel like I am little close … I feel like I went back to point zero and today is one of those day …. And I feel like I became a person I can’t recognize anymore … I’ve worked so hard to find myself but now i feel like I am losing it again and I seem to have forgotten everything I believed in …. I can’t even remember who I was 7 month ago … 7 month ago I was a writer, i had a blog , I loved reading, I was a super motivated and inspired person . Just today I went through my old posts and I am shocked of how these 7 month changed me .. I am like yeah I used to believe in that, yeah I used to love that and ooh I remember when I felt that …. Now I feel like this weird person whom I can’t seem to figure out who she is or what she wants. I feel like I let my own demons control me .. That’s how I truly feel

But you know what I am gonna try to remember who I used to me and I will fight my own demons and I will make my dreams come true because I know if I didn’t one day I will regret this so much … So if it’s a war my demons want then it’s a war they will get

God! Just being here for only couple of house already makes me more inspired and I am terribly sorry for not replying to any comments and I would really appreciatany advice right now cause I really need some guidance and thank you so much for reading and I know this isn’t Really good poet at all .. But it’s such a real one. So, I want to share it.

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4 thoughts on “Losing …

  1. Hi……… I don’t know whether my experiences are relevant to your culture however:

    My culture still generally expects that you know exactly what you want to do as a career while in your late teens! This is slowly changing as it is now known that, on average, people go through 3 career changes during their working life. This means that you should not, at this point in time, have to make a decision that you must live with for the rest of your life.

    Just spend some time thinking what you might like to do, relevant to your current education and interests, and perhaps you will see a starting point. Remember that there will be opportunities to change if so desired.

    The only criteria should be that you make a decision that will eventually provide you with the necessary income to be independent, and at a standard of living that you will be happy with. A life of physical luxury will dictate a high income which, in turn, will naturally dictate a high level of education. That is a reality of life.

    Consider your current skills. Consider what standard of living will make you happy. Consider what are your realistic options. Consider talking to businesses within your areas of interest. If you have career counseling available to you ….. consider using it!

    Take your time and make the decision that you believe is best for you. Pressures from family and friends are not relevant (in my opinion) because they do not have to live with your decision. You do!

    All the very best. You are at a difficult point in your life, but so many of us have been through it and survived! You will too. Take care. 🙂

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    1. Hi Collins just saw this so sorry for replying so late but honestly can’t thank you enough for this comment and I will always keep your words in mind, thank you so much and how are you btw?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am fine thanks and, having struggled to get my first book published (just released yesterday), can relate to many of your frustrations. Keep smiling… keep thinking …. and always be true and honest to yourself because, in the end, you have to live with your decisions. Nobody else does!

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  2. Hello. I just want to say that what you are experiencing is perfectly normal. No matter what you decide to do with your life rule #1 is to never ever give up. You need to ask yourself what do you want? Really take some time and think about this question. Your answer needs to come from your heart and not your brain, if that makes sense. What you want should be something that is going to make you happy. School isn’t for everyone, and you don’t need a degree to be successful. You just need to have a dream and be passionate about making it come true.

    Once you figure out what you want, you have to set some goals for yourself and create a plan to achieve those goals. Remember that nothing good comes easy. Therefore, you will have to work very hard to get what you want. Here’s and inspirational quote:

    “You can have whatever you want if you do whatever it takes.”

    Start by believing in yourself and staying positive. I believe that people can do whatever they truly put their minds to. At the end of the day, you can create your own happiness and no one else. It’s all up to YOU. I believe in you!

    Good Luck!

    Liked by 2 people

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